It Was A good Day

I was working and heard the FedEx guy come into the office and say “delivery for Bernard” to the receptionist. My first paycheck was sent to me via FedEx so I thought it was paperwork being sent from HR. When I looked up, a beautiful Edible Arrangement was being delivered to me. I frowned and said “Oh, that’s not for me.” She said it was for me but I was sure it was a mistake. There’s got to be some sort of mix up, I thought, because I never get deliveries (wha-wha). Then I thought maybe it is for me but what an odd gift for HR to send. It was politely suggested that I open the card (instead of staring at the arrangement in puzzlement) so, still frowning, I read the card and it was a gift for me and the boys from my buddy, Stephanie. Mystery solved!! What a sweet and thoughtful cupcake she is.

I decided that was the perfect time to take my lunch break and go shopping and call Stephanie.  I was talking to her on the phone as I walked from the parking lot into the store. I finished my shopping and then stood in line to check out. Ironically, I had just seen a Modern Family episode in which Cam and Jay were changing in a locker room and had their backs to each other. They bent over at the same time and their butts touched. I thought that was hilarious until I was standing in the checkout line, bent forward to reach into my cart at the same time a woman in the line next to me bent over and we touched butts….EW, not funny!!! 

When I came out of the store I put my key into the car door and it didn’t open. I then used my remote and it still didn’t open….because it was not my car. One day I will learn that not all black cars are mine. I spent the next 5-10 minutes looking for my car. Normally, I don’t lose my car and roll my eyes at those who do but I was distracted by the phone call to Stephanie on my way in. I tried to sound the panic button but my remote is “sometimey” and didn’t work. I finally found my car and then the panic alarm had the nerve to go off (in that order.)

So it was a good day full of me laughing at myself and feeling like a supahstah getting an Edible Arrangement delivery!!

Office Etiquette

When I started my new job a few weeks ago, I was given a manual with instructions on how to operate the telephone. I did not think I needed an actual manual until…someone called me and left a message. Now, there is an abnormally large orange blinking light on my phone and I cannot retrieve the message. I tried to access my voicemail but, since I don’t know the original password, it wouldn’t allow me to change it. I referred to the phone manual but it said the administrator needs to access a website to reset the password. This all seems very complicated for a phone. The administrator is not in the office and will not return until next week. So, I sat at my desk feeling ill all day with my annual asthma / bronchitis / tuberculosis / chest congestion and a headache while the orange light blinked in my face. Somehow that made my head hurt worse.

As I sounded like I needed an iron lung and oxygen mask, I felt the need to explain to my new co-workers that I was not contagious. I’m sure at least one of them thought I was exhibiting poor office etiquette and was thinking, “For God’s sake, if you’re sick, stay home!!” That made me think of my personal Top 20ish Office Do’s and Don’ts:

DO try to see the good in everybody...unless they are just no good

DO keep unscented Germ-X on hand and use it

DO keep a well-stocked snack drawer complete with condiments and be willing to share

DO fix the printer if you are the one who jammed it

DO say "good morning" even if you're not a morning person

DO have a sense of humor

DO try to do something nice for at least one person a day…what goes around comes around

DON’T yawn, sigh, moan or groan every 30 seconds…you’re bringing me down

DON’T repeat your latest unfunny joke/story all morning…we heard you the first time(s)…it was not funny

DON’T loud talk someone else’s error but whisper about your own

DON’T wake me if I nod off

DON’T be judgmental or condescending in an effort to feel better about yourself…it just makes you look small(er)

DON’T overdo strong perfume/cologne or jingly jewelry

DON’T eat tuna at your desk for lunch…not everyone loves it as much as you

DON’T conduct a conversation with another co-worker at someone else’s desk when that someone else is not part of that conversation and trying to work…go to your own desk

DON’T use speaker phone when dialing, listening to music “on hold,” or when talking…just don’t use speaker phone

DON’T take your responsibilities or your place in the company too seriously…unless you’re a neurosurgeon, you do not hold life and death in your hands and, unless you are the owner, you are replaceable

(note: I wrote this entry last week...the next day I came down with the flu and was sick, sick, sick)

23 Adult Truths (sent to me by my sister)

1. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their direction on #5.I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.

Get Well Soon Stephanie

Me:  "My friend, Stephanie, was in a bad car accident and I want to make her a get well care basket.  If you were in a body cast, what would you want?"

Nicole:  "To be out of a body cast."

Well, this weekend was hectic.  My friend, Stephanie, was in a bad car accident last Wednesday.  She lives in the country and was driving to work very early in the morning and it was still dark outside.  A dead horse was laying in the street and she couldn’t see it.  Her car hit it and flipped.  She was upside down for 20 minutes until someone came to her assistance.  She has multiple fractures and is pretty banged up but she's lucky to be alive and not more seriously injured. 

On Saturday, Brandon, Nick, Gavin (Nicks friend) and I went to visit her at the hospital. We parked in the garage and then walked through a maze of walkways and outdoor stairwells and finally found an entrance to the hospital. We then trekked through the hospital to find the correct ward. We walked in circles on the floor to find her room. They really don’t make it easy. Stephanie was in pain but was in good spirits talking and even laughing. She said she had an allergic reaction to the morphine they gave her in the beginning. The new medication makes her feel dizzy. She has a neck brace from her chin to her chest that she has to keep on at all times. If she gets out of bed, she has to put on a body cast, which isn’t plaster like I thought. It’s like two large plastic shields, one for the front and one for the back.  I knew I was going to bring her a care basket but didn't know what I wanted to fill it with so I asked my sister, "If you were in a body cast, what would you want?"  She said, "To not be in a body cast."  Ba da bum.  I ended up bringing her brownies, chocolate chip cookies and milk.

When we left, we managed to find the car in the parking garage without too much trouble but then couldn’t get out of the parking garage. When I entered the garage, the machine gave me an orange chip. When I tried to exit, I followed the instructions and inserted the orange chip and it said to pay $5 by inserting my credit card or pay cash at the booth. I inserted my credit card and nothing happened.  Then it kicked out a yellow chip.  I decided to pull up to the gate and go to the parking booth to pay cash instead but the gate didn’t lift. I walked back to the machine and pressed the help button to ask someone to lift the gate. Instead, the attendant wanted me to go through the steps again: insert chip, insert credit card, etc. He kept insisting I wasn’t removing my card quickly enough, which was not true. I went through the motions three more times and then he told me I had to back my car up next to the machine. I told him my window was broken so I couldn’t back it up AND operate the machine at the same time (James has it rigged in the up position.) Then we got into a debate about the color of my chip. He wasn’t understanding me when I told him 4 times that I received an orange chip upon arrival and then when I tried to pay upon exiting, it gave me a yellow chip. He’s asking ME why. What? How do I know? Can I just pull through the gate and pay a human? Finally, I backed up all the way even before the machine and tried all of the steps again and we were able to get through.

We left the garage and I must have missed Holcombe and Fannin while scolding Nick and Brandon for bickering with each other because somehow we ended up deep in the hood and had to take a very scenic route back to 610.

I then dropped Brandon off at his friend’s house and Nick and Gavin and I went shopping for a Christmas tree, not at a quaint tree farm but at the local Kroger. James couldn’t come by with his van to pick up the tree from the store so we went on our own. The boys were too interested in laughing and talking to be of much assistance. I, of course, had to inspect each one narrowing the selection from 5, to 4, to 3, to 2 and then spend another 10 minutes comparing the finalists. The two salesmen seemed amused by this and then out and out chuckled when they saw my car (hint, the Lincoln LS is too small to transport a 7 foot tree.) Not to be discouraged, I pooh-poohed the tree salesmen/sackers/cashiers who told me it couldn’t be done and shoved it into the back seat. We rolled down the rear windows to let the top hang out one window and the trunk hang out the opposite window. We couldn’t close the back doors so I put my hazards on and drove 10 mph home with the boys smooshed in the front passenger seat. Dum-tah!

It was like the three stooges getting it from the store, into the car, out of the car and into the house. We stood it up in the base and then couldn’t get it to stand straight. I was holding the top of the tree upright and told the boys to screw in the base. Well, they were turning the screws the wrong way, unscrewing what the other one had just tightened, my arms were shaking, etc. They quickly got distracted by some TV show so I was on my own to crawl around the floor re-tightening the screws..and I’m too old to crawl. Then, I got all of the strands of lights strung and the very last string went out after I got it on the tree. I couldn’t find my ornaments in storage so I just have the lights on it for now. I hope I can pull it together prior to Christmas day. I remember when I used to be Martha Stewart decorating the interior and exterior of the house like it was going to be in a magazine and had a different tree theme every year and now…Oy!!

Tough Love

Me: "My ankle hurts."

My Sister, Nicole: "Because you refused to go to physical therapy after your surgery, gimpy."

 

That's been a recurring conversation between Nurse Ratched and I for about 5 years now. I was reminded of her astute medical diagnosis again while showering the other day. I dropped the soap and it ricochet off the shower wall and hit me in the ankle exactly where my surgery incision is. The pain almost brought me to my knees.

Nicole tells me that my unfortunate incident was God's way of telling me to slow down.  What  happened was, I was in a rush and tripped over a cement curb.  I landed with my ankle twisted beneath my body and heard a "pop."  It was mis-diagnosed as a sprain for 3 weeks.  I hobbled around thinking it would slowly get better but it only got worse.  The pain spread up to my knee and when it eventually felt like it was going to explode, I figured it was time to see a specialist who promptly told me I needed surgery.  I cried uncontrollably through the whole appointment.  I was terrified of surgery.  He was a surgeon for the Rockets or the Astros or some sports team which was supposed to impress or reassure me but...who cares?  How did I know he wasn't a straight up drunk?  Who would my anesthesiologist be?  Could be a crack-head.  I didn't know these people and they wanted to cut me open?  After the consultation, my mom wheeled me out of his office, past the nurses desk, and through the waiting area filled with children.  I'm sure they were alarmed by my hysterical crying wondering what was in store for them when the nurse called their name but I didn't care.  I wailed all the way to the car.

 

Surgery and recovery weren't any less embarrassing.  They ended up putting pins in my ankle and other stuff I didn't want to know the details about.  My father took me to get my stitches out and neither of us had the stomach for that.  He had to leave the room and I almost fainted.  We were quite the pair!  I was in a cast, then a boot, then a wheelchair and then crutches.  As for physical therapy, I just didn't have the courage to voluntarily subject myself to the pain of someone manipulating my ankle. Do I really need to move it side to side? Nope, I can live with just up and down, thank you.

So now, whenever I complain about my ankle, Nurse Ratched is there to smack me out of my pitty party.  It's her form of tough love.

He's was a doer, not a talker

Brandon:  "I LOVE Skippy peanut butter.  Skippy's the best!!!"

So I'm flipping through the channels and spot Paige Parks on a modeling show called "Scouted" on E!  My sister, Nicole, got several print and commercial modeling jobs with the Paige Parks Agency when she was a kid.  Brandon also went to Paige Parks for modeling/acting classes when he was younger.  One time, I remember them wanting him to read for a nationwide Skippy peanut butter commercial and they gave us a script about a paragraph long to memorize.  In just a few short minutes, my little Bran-Muffin memorized his lines and was repeating them to me verbatim and with great animation.  Disney Channel, here we come.  This kid's a star, I tell ya.  They called us in for the reading and I was bursting with pride.  I was well on my way to becoming a full blown co-dependent mother-of-a-child-star when all of a sudden I hear:

Brandon:  "I like..I, I love...uh, I like...no, I love Skipe...SSSSk...SSSSkiii...Sk-i-pe...Skipuh?..."

Uh, he did not get the job. 

Oh dear God.  What is all of this crazy-talk?  He said his lines perfectly just 2 minutes prior.  Pacino couldn't have done it better (the young Michael Corleone in Godfather I and II Pacino, not the older, crazy Pacino.)  Turns out Brandon pulled a Perry and decided to be a "doer" not a "talker."  He did well doin' photo shoots but never felt comfortable with the talkin' required for commercials.  At least not comfortable talking in front of other people...or cameras...or...people.  I didn't push him because it truly was painful for him to be center stage.  Even during school performances, he would cringe getting on stage and would slowly but surely inch his way so close to the edge of the stage, I thought he'd fall off. 

My little Muffin-Cakes (he's now 6'2") still tends to be on the shy side in public but he's still a supah-stah to me.

An OCD Chirstmas Carol: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock...

I told myself I'd make a blog entry every day and, sure enough, I missed day #2.  I had good intentions but last night I fell asleep in a chair, fully clothed, wearing glasses, laptop on my lap, TV and lights on...somewhere around 7:30pm (del boca vista time.)  I either have narcolepsy or I guess all that readin' and learnin' during my first week of the new job finally caught up with me.

I do like my new job but can't help comparing and contrasting:

At my previous job, I worked for a large company in a specialized department consisting of approximately 30 people, each and every one with big, loud and colorful personalities. Everyone shared similar work ethics and tended to be type-A personalities but while they worked hard, they also played hard. At any given moment you could hear hysterical laughter, chatter with each other over cubicle walls, minor squabbles, a few major meltdowns complete with crying and dramatic flair, and all sorts of familial dysfunction...but mainly laughter. Lots of laughter and friendship. Just about everyone had been christened with an endearing nickname whether they wanted one or not and whether they actually knew they had one or not. Morning rituals consisted of discussing what to eat for breakfast, family updates, pimping school fundraiser items, lively debates on whether you should wear brown or black shoes with navy pants, the latest political candidate gaffes, and the like.

My new job is at a fairly large company as well. However, the local office is small consisting of 12 nice people. Perfectly nice and unbelievably quiet people. It's like working in a library. I literally listen to two things for 8 hours a day while I work: (1) the jingle of tiny, itty, bitty bells on a bracelet worn by a lovely co-worker which simultaneously creates feelings of the joy of Christmas and thoughts of stabbing a pencil through my ears. I like jingling bells as much as the next person but all day? I was going to bring in a wreath made of bells in on Monday to hang in my cubicle but I'm tempted to wear it as a necklace instead. (2) I work near a claims adjuster who amuses me because she spends the majority of the day working on the telephone and swears like a sailor. Have I mentioned that in addition to my previously stated O.C.D. tendancies, I also have mild A.D.D.? I find myself absorbed in her expletive laden phone conversations discussing various claimants and their back injuries, mangled toes and other hideous injuries and why they aren't back at work yet. Uh, maybe because three of his toes fell off. I find her fascinating. I also find it fascinating that the morning ritual consists of discussing the office temperature vs the outdoor temperature. Evidently, it is colder inside the office than outside and that's a real problem. I think my body temperature must be different from most people because I'm usually comfortable in most settings, hot or cold. I am oblivious to weather forecasts and temperatures. Family members from out of state have called me out of concern about a storm happening here that I am completely unaware of. As far as temperature, as long as I'm comfortable, what's the problem? If I'm cold, I put a sweater on. If I'm hot, I remove it. If there's a storm coming, I trust someone will tell me. I can't stress in front of the TV watching the Weather Channel. So, I just sit and listen to my new co-workers whilest drinking my complimentary flavored coffee (I love that little perk.) All in all, the people are nice. It's just a different atmosphere.

No, I didn't get fired...

I sat at the children's table with my nieces during Thanksgiving dinner and had an interesting chat with the little people:

Layla (7 years old):  "Lauryn will be starting a new pre-school on Monday."
Me: (well over 30 years old):  "Oh wow, I'm starting a new job on Monday."
Lauryn (3 years old):  "Did you get fired?"
Layla:  "No, she quit."
Lauryn:  "Well, I quitted my pre-school and I'm going to a new pre-school like you."

I did feel like I was going to a new pre-school on Monday.  I'm very attached to my old pre-school and all the cool kids.  I wasn't at all worried about learning a new job or computer system but rather who I'd be working with.  Who are these people?  Would they appreciate my baking? (Turns out 100% of the complimentary sodas are diet so I think my baking will be frowned upon.)  Would they find my OCD endearing?  Would they get that I have a nervous laugh at inappropriate moments?  So much to worry about.

So far everything has gone well my first week apart from my usual daily moments of public embarrassment:

Monday - First thing, I got locked in the bathroom stall for several minutes.  Fortunately, I didn't have to crawl under the stall or be rescued by a new co-worker.  

Tuesday - Because my computer and phone weren't working, I was moved from my corner cubicle with relative privacy to a central cubicle within full view of 4 people. I really tried hard to control my OCD but I couldn't help placing something in one spot, then moving it to another spot, then moving it to yet another spot, then straightening it, etc. Then I had to adjust my chair height, re-run my phone and cords to the opposite side of my desk (why on earth would I want it on my left side??), adjust and re-adjust my dual monitors so they are perfectly even, swap out paper trays for ones that matched, hook up my beloved automatic stapler, place my "groceries" one by one in the drawer to my left and then decide I want to move everything one by one to the drawer to my right. Oy, I know they were watching me but I couldn't help it.

Wednesday - Because it's the little things that make me utterly giddy, I indulged in the complimentary flavored coffee (6 or 7 varieties, thank you) and was carrying it back to my desk. As I left the breakroom, the cup was pleasantly warm in my cold hands. But, as I walked down the long hallway towards my desk, the cup quickly got hotter and hotter and hotter and the skin on my fingers and palms received third degree burns. There was nowhere to put the cup down so I had to toggle it between my fingers and palms. OMG, my eyes were literally tearing up by the time I got to my desk. The groan of pain was the cherry on the top and I'm sure was inwardly amusing to my new co-workers. I think I will suggest that they splurge for better insulated cups at the next meeting.  I can't work for a workers comp insurance company and file a workers comp claim on my third day!!!  Basically, the crazy is starting to oooze out and it's just Wednesday.